woah, what is she talking about now??
yes, I ask you to please hear me out on this one. as you know i’m open (very open) about my recovery with an eating disorder.
i’ve gained weight over the course of my recovery, and it seems to have come in stages. the past six months have presented a new stage, with additional weight. i recently disclosed on the IG how losing my thigh gap was pretty big for me- and felt big to me- but regardless, I know that I’m deeply rooted in my recovery because of my ability to take it in stride. some may believe that my thoughts about it or emotional reaction to it means I’m still struggling.
let me fill you in.
everyday that an addict chooses to abstain, everyday someone with a compulsion fights it, every time someone with an eating disorder chooses a recovery driven action rather than unhealthy behavior, it is a success.
focus on the good. the positive. the progress.
my acceptance of my body changing? i’m going to celebrate it. even if it was difficult.
i will get off my body image rant, and instead begin to tell you how I’m now into the minimalism craze- see this recent post of other trends I’m loving- and why minimalism and eating disorders are somehow connected.
a goal achieved.
when i was at my thinnest, I was obviously seeking some kind of unattainable goal weight. no matter what number showed, it wasn’t the end of the journey.
what I loved though, was being able to definitively go for the smallest size in just about any store, and know that I wouldn’t need to reach higher. I had made it. Made it in the sense that I had reached an admirable goal. wow.
and if you knew how much I shopped back then, you’d know I really took full advantage of this achievement.
here i was, a college student in a beautiful place with endless possibility and opportunity available to me, yet that had become of one my biggest accomplishments? i’m not happy to admit it, but at the time my mind was spinning so quickly and steering straight down a narrow path that anorexia had determined for me.
it sounds incredibly vain, and i’m so sorry for anyone woman wants to slap me right now, but i’m being very serious.
much like how my view of myself, my world, and my goals have now broadened, my choices of jeans size have too. i now fluctuate, are unsure of size depending on brand, and that is perfectly ok.
that heading has so many underlying connotations. please, everyone trust me when I say I purged clothing.
there was definitely a period of time where letting go of my sick clothes was a non-negotiable. a hard NO.
“when I’m not bloated I can fit into them.”
“I can still wear them with a looser shirt.”
“well, let’s be real, after the holidays I’ll be back in them.”
“no, really, i need to get my ass back in the gym.”
that inner monologue lasted for a while until I decided to STOP.
I decided to stop believing that my anorexia laden jeans were ever going to hug my new curves, bigger booty or thicker thighs with any form love.
so i tossed them.
which then trickled over into tossing a lot of clothes and other “stuff” I had been dragging around from college apartment to college apartment, then all the way across the country back to new jersey after graduation. I tossed out things that I had purchased when I didn’t feel good about myself, and was seeking some form of fulfillment. they were clothes and accessories and shoes and bags that were just available, well priced, served the purpose of short term gratification, and then ended up forgotten.
they weren’t really my style, weren’t quality “investment” staples. most of them were just mediocre and now ill fitting.
what did i do? i bagged them up. bags and bags to be donated. loaded them in my car and said “bye bye sick jeans!” phew.
i didn’t hug them goodbye or dramatically stare out my rear view mirror as I drove away either.
and there it was… a sense of relief.
that stuff no longer served me. they probably never had, but they certainly weren’t bringing anything positive to the table. like anyone who’s ever had a reallyyyy, really bad ex.. it was time to cut ties.
no longer did I look into my drawers feeling shame or mocked by jeans that pinched my sides when buttoned. instead, I invested in dark wash, well fitting, better quality jeans. I found one basic skinny, one great boot cut, and a distressed jean I love to wear cuffed up.
they’re my tried and true. no matter how much sodium filled sushi I have the night before, or what time of month rolls around, they fit. they’re good to me. they feel much more healthy.
so I keep it simple and I find not only is it amazing for my recovery, but it’s also just easier. less laundry, less mess, less choices in the morning. my attention can be channeled on other things in the AM than planning the perfect outfit- like “will my readers be at all interested in hearing how I gained some weight and threw most of my shit out.”
(comment below and let me know if you do.)
I know what I like. I like black, white, and earth tones. I like dainty jewelry. I like flats. I prefer solids to patterns. I really love a huge bag that holds my laptop and green juice.
do I ever dress up? of course! I can bring on the sass. but for my everyday, rise and grind style, I don’t fuss with what makes me feel good.
I’ve found that having SOOOO MUCH, can become a distraction, eating disorder or not. challenge yourself to live with less. nurture yourself and those you value more. and please, if you’re doing a closet clean out- lose anything (ANYTHING) you haven’t worn in over a year. or anything you still have that is on this list.
then, see where else you could introduce minimalism in your life.
thank you for listening to my rant, and for allowing me to share how I made weight gain feng shui.
I appreciate you all, and keep me in the loop of your latest personal achievement worth celebrating. because they ALL are.