“recovery is not a destination where one day you will wake up and feel fixed but rather it’s a slow mending process that follows an imperfect line where progress is made over time. along the way your eating disorder will make it’s presence known as it fluctuates between being very quiet or very loud. use this as reassurance that you are healing by the mere fact that you are aware of the sounds it makes and in charge of the volume. “
finding this quote from Tina Klaus of Don’t Live Small was a sign from the universe, i swear. i have read it multiple times knowing how much i must remember that my eating disorder may flare+ fluctuate, but i remain in charge of the internal volume. i remain in recovery.
so i’m being a bit more candid in this post, less about tasty healthy treats + more about what i have experienced as well as continue to live with.
i’m curious who else had a difficult time with a “loud” eating disorder during this recent food-focused holiday? does anyone else find that their relationship with food + body image doesn’t feel stable? i know the stats- sadly i’m sure there are some nodding their heads at their screen.
i’m tired of that shit. i am so grateful for the strength + skills i’ve developed to deal, but i hate that myself + others have to. but recovering is possible, i believe it because i live it. therefore i try to share it.
i work with women through a program called Mentor Connect. their goal is to replace eating disorders with relationships through a mentorship program. i have a “mentee”+ i shared this quote with her as well. it’s amazing how much my relationship with this woman fulfills me + reminds me of the progress i’ve made while supporting her on her path.
i have learned that there is nothing wrong in humbly celebrating your victories + there is absolutely nothing better than sharing your experience with others who relate.
so what sparked this topic on the blog? my weight has gone up a little recently. gasp. what used to be earth shattering, now just kinda sucky. i know it went up because i did what i probably shouldn’t have + weighed myself. (hey, i’m being accountable over here!) this change in weight could be due to a handful of reasons. but all i know is the ED volume started to raise. it grew louder + i’ve felt less present, more irritable, more self conscious as a result recently.
when the negative thoughts surrounding my body creep in… i remember the following:
- how luck i am to have a platform to reach others who are struggling + provide hope.
- how i have a body that is the vehicle that allows me to do amazing things, whether a yoga pose or a hug.
- does anyone else care? those who love me do so unconditionally, + i can provide myself that same love.
- i haven’t come this far to give up the gift of recovery.
- if the volume really gets out of control, i can always allow my higher power to be the DJ, knowing it will quiet again.
so finally i had to say, “fuck off, ED.” get out of here, it’s the holiday season, i’m with my family, + i have a lot to do besides speak to you. i have yoga classes to attend, regardless of how my thighs look in the pants, + a lot of experiences i want to enjoy. i have recipes to get to readers + the calories or numbers behind the ingredients mean nothing.
i really hope that besides providing some delicious vegan food, i bring a real voice to a real issue. so many of my “big goals” relate to helping others with body image + living a kaleinit, thriving lifestyle.
when i’m yoga teacher certified (yes, that will be happening in 2016!) i want to teach those in recovery. i want to do more for the eating disorder community. i’m open to helping in any way i can.
so a long winded + very personal blog post? yes. but i had to get that off my chest. if you’re listening to a loud eating disorder on your current path of recovery don’t be afraid to turn the volume down. unless it’s a song that brings nothing but positive energy + hope to your soul, in which case let it be loud + sing along like you would a great beyonce song.
thanks for reading, beauties.